I Can’t Sleep

I just don’t sleep.  Last night I dragged my ass into bed at 1 and even though I was tired, I did not sleep.  And this morning I woke up at 6:29.  For the last five days it was 6:43, right on the button.  A weird time coincidence.  But not today. Today I woke even earlier.

I have been an insomniac for years.  Last year when I started going with Boyfriend, my insomnia subsided, although I would have bits of it here and there.  Since we have moved to NY, it has returned off and on, mostly in line with how well he and I are getting along.  Since our getting along has progressively worsened, I suppose it should come as no surprise that the insomnia has as well.  I don’t know why this should be, this sleeping well when Boyfriend and I are happy, but it is.  Since we are now basically like roommates living in a very tiny space together (he has longer conversations with people he just met than he does with me), my body is reacting accordingly.

I read an article recently about Heath Ledger and his chronic insomnia.  I absolutely sympathized.  Only in his case he took a bunch of meds for his insomnia.  I have not taken meds.  A long time ago I tried over-the-counter meds and they do not work at all, plus I felt worse the day after taking them.  Last year, I tried a time-release Ambien a friend gave me.  I figured if it worked, I would go to the doctor and get some.  While under the influence of the drug, and luckily while Milla was not at home, I got out of my bed and drove to Boyfriend’s house, talking to him drunkenly on the mobile phone the entire way.  Also luckily, he lived close.  I did not remember the drive or being awake and was surprised to awaken at his house.  He was not nice about it.  He did not find it amusing and was angry at me for it.  I guess that (and a hundred other things) should have been a clue we were not a compatible couple, but I just focused on the things that were compatible and the fact that most of the time with him, my insomnia went away.  Having suffered it for so many years, that alone was a relief.  So here we are.

What a trade-off.  My insomnia is worse than it has ever been, probably mostly because in the past I could usually at least lie there and eventually fall asleep.  Now I’m pregnant so when I wake up there is no going back to sleep without getting up, and getting up is the sure bet to ensure I do not go back to sleep.  It has been suggested by people I know who do not have insomnia that I use the time when I’m awake to write or do something productive.  What I point out to these people is that when I’m that tired, I’m not productive, and I can’t write anything coherent.  Even writing this, which isn’t really that difficult, took some effort.  I meandered off to some other sites here and there, then picked it back up again.  And now I’m sitting here not sure what to write anymore except that I can’t sleep.  I guess since that was the point I began with and I have made it clear, there isn’t much more to say.